Tuesday, May 25, 2010

I'm Working On It

Its easy to get myopic when you let insignificant things alter your understanding of reality. These past few days I have been struggling to understand why on Earth, I decided to come home to Texas for the Summer. Indeed, there were a few compelling factors that pushed me South instead of North-East, but in light of the situation at hand I admit that there are moments in my everyday life where I tell myself, why didn't I just go to New York? Why didn't I just pursue my initial plan to spend the spring and summer in culinary classes? Why didn't I just choose to go where I felt comfortable and at home? Why didn't I go where I knew the grocery store was a block away and the subway only two? Why didn't I go where I said I would months ago, when I was convinced that everything would fall into place if I chose NY?

Well, I am still in Texas, and I am still struggling with accepting that. But in that process of accepting, that oh-so-humbling and necessary process of accepting, there are somethings I have come to know and feel and learn. I'm telling myself everyday, Nicole-- Stop asking why and start thinking when...When am I going to take Josh to the Donut shop he is always talking about? When am I going to get up on my feet and explore the beautiful town around me? When am I going to really study for my driver's permit? When am I going to call all those friends that I promised to catch up with? When am I going to stop thinking about myself?

A teacher at BYU mentioned something to me that has been at the back of my head throughout all of this minute, but in my eyes tremendous struggle. He was quoting Alvin Dyer who said, and I am paraphrasing, that, there is a difference between humility and meekness. This difference being that the later is a voluntary condition. In his words, "Voluntary Humility" is key in accepting any struggle that comes across one's way. So I am accepting that I live in town where there are no sidewalks. I am accepting that even if I learn how to drive, getting a car of my own is a 1 in a million chance. I am accepting that even though there are things i miss terribly about New York, I need to work on being happy where ever I am. I am accepting that I need to volunteer to be humble no matter what my circumstances are.

Thank-yous, and Gratitudes

I am thankful that I have a body that can walk, and talk, and learn, and see, and hear, and taste and feel.

I am thankful that when I pray I can feel someone listening and caring for every word I say, even when it seems unimportant.

I am thankful that I have felt God's endearing love for me.

I am thankful for every material thing that I have.

I am thankful that I know my family, and they love me.

I am thankful that I was taught to love.

I am thankful that laughing is the best amnesia from a hard day.

I am thankful for hard days; they make weaknesses strengths.

I am thankful for my health, and the resources available to me.

I am thankful that I can write.

I am thankful for books.

I am thankful for FOOD, and cooking and grocery stores that are filled with wonderful ingredients.

I am thankful for teachers. That means all of you that I know; you have taught me something.

I am thankful to have the knowledge that I can improve and become better if I am willing to work for it.

...so I'm working on it.

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